I am too tired of you, and your too-intense-but-indecisive Scorpio-Libra nature. I even pray that one day I can get away with this. Maybe she was right, I just haven't found someone new. And I know I can never force you...
And I still got lotsa things to do. Focus, Nadia. And stay focused.
October 14, 2017
[WARNING: LONG-ASS CURHAT POST]
I have warned you.
Well, hello. I know it has been ages...damn, I was still 20 the last time i wrote here. And i just turned 23 last month. Haha. Pheww, time does fly, and of course a lot has happened. So how are you guys doing? Or well... is anyone even still here???
Okay so I dont know where to start... I dont even know why i am back here whilst i already have a new blog on Wordpress. Here, have a look: primanadia.wordpress.com . And please excuse me if I make any spelling errors here i just want to type fast.
Over the past five years I have been through a lot of things. I was fucked almost all the time, to put it harshly. I dropped out of high school, not because my lacking of intelligence (well maybe a bit since i was a bit of a moron at that time, went to school only to meet friends, not studying), but because i had to. Yknow, family issues. and it is still going on until now, but thats not what i wanna talk about here. I was utterly frustrated, almost depressed (maybe already depressed, who knows), i lost quite great amount of friends (who wants to be friends with a drop-outer? no one. Unless that drop-outer is Bill Gates. Or Mark Zuckerberg. Just fyi the latter one just got his degree a few months ago. Hehe). I lost most of my self-confidence, heck, I couldnt even talk freely in my own house. well not necessarily my own house since i still cant afford to buy any, but you know, it is the house that i have been living for over ten years... and i lost my ability to sing loudly because of this. if you knew me already, you knew how much i loved singing, how much i really wanted to excel at it, how often i sang a song or just hummed in the class, i know i was that annoying haha. i really miss singing loudly. it gave me a sense of confidence, that i was capable of something, a sense of worthiness, you know. and now i barely reach any note well.. i am still in grieve about this. I try to accept the fact but maybe it takes time. not to mention that my voice is waaay lower than five years ago. i remember meeting my close friend for the first time after four years and she was like "heck, Nad, you talk in a very low voice. you almost just whisper. please speak louder" and it is still liike that until now :( like i said, it affected my self-confidence in any way possible. uh, just checked my phone and now already forgot what to say. ehe.
What have you been doing in the past five years, Nad?
that is a question that doesnt need to be answered, mostly. I cant open up too much and i am worried that if i open up you will react in an unimaginable way. But in short, i was busy helping my family. in any way possible. you go figure that out if youre really really superly curious. but just dont ask me. just...dont...
From 2012 until 2015 i kept wondering how my life would be. to leak a little, it was as if i lived in a cage. not even a golden cage, but rather an ugly-yet-makes-you-becoming-reflective one. those were really frustrating moments... we were under pressure. it was mentally psychologically and physically challenging.
and then another big thing happened in the middle of 2015 that made me shook so hard. it was as if i got my eyes blurred all those times... and at that time i got them opened, like real open and i got to see how bad things were. how i was "nothing" (still feel that i am, btw), how my life was literally trashy and that i was going nowhere. how i had no one to count on to. nope, not even my mom or anyone else in the family...
so then i prayed. i did all the things i could do at that time... and of course i cried. but i was also swallowing the fact that my life is my life, and if i want to change it to become better, it has to start within me first. so i was just letting it all go, doing my best, and waiting...
nothing changed for a while. i dont wanna sound like an attention bitch, but i just feel the urge to say it here, you know... we barely had anything to eat. it was painful remembering all the delicious food i once was able to eat and at that time i couldnt even afford to have proper meals... we survived by eating boiled cassava, or sweet potato. and that situation went on for months.
Starting late August i got the opportunity to work at a friend's father's small business. and that really helped me out. not only i made money that way, but i was given the strength to not give up. they are like my second family, really. I am forever grateful for that.
In the mean time i also signed up for the paket c thingy, to get my high school degree. i just planned it all along, i knew it had to finish somehow... thankfully i got a help from a distant friend. could you believe it? a friend living literally thousand kilometers from you helping you out? but that is what happened.
Bref, i reconciled with my dad, moved in with him in January 2017 and eventually had the time to really study. (((Finally))) graduated high school last May, applied for university, and got accepted at my dream university.... it feels like a dream really.
But of course the challenges dont stop there. i am biologically older than my friend (dang i am even older than most of my seniors!), but academically or maybe mentally speaking i feel like i am in the same age as them! sometimes even younger. and i kinda feel overwhelmed by that :( there is a lot for me to catch up to get to where i want myself to be, and it is still waay to go. i have big dreams yet i feel so small :(
okay this is basically me ranting about my entire life in a five-inute-reading post but whatever. i just feel the need to vent somewhere okay.
in the end i think i need to have some goal clarity, what my goals are and why i want to achieve them all. and get really real in pursuing them. and i need to better my time management!!!
if you have known me for a long time and you have seen me at least in the past six months, you will recognize that i am more closed, more introverted than before. i feel like it is both a blessing and a curse, and i am trying to fix that up. i wanna be able to speak my mind up confidently, but remembering where i am now, i know it takes time. i know that the key is self-love:half being hard on yourself, half be a bit soft towards it. i hope i will stay on the track and that i can become better day by day without losing myself. there is a lot to do when it comes to self-love, that is my main concern right now :')
if you read this post then thank you, please dont get overwhelmed by it... note that this is actually just me venting out because i just really really need to. Okay, time to study since midsemester tests are coming... a bientot!